Whenever and however you give birth, your experience will impact your emotions, your mind, your body, and your spirit for the rest of your life. -Ina May Gaskin
It’s taken me a while to process Saylors birth. I remember wanting to write it all down as soon as we got home that morning but honestly it felt too much. Her birth wasn’t traumatic In the sense that it “installed a fear in me” but it was traumatic in the sense that it took me by such shock, it was hard to process
On November 18 it was just like any other day, I made my protine shake with dates and headed out for a walk. I was starting to feel sad thinking about how my time of being pregnant was almost over and that It wasn’t just going to be me and Saylor anymore .
I didn’t feel anything out of the normal that night. I went to bed around 8:30/9 after dinner.
At around 10:30 I woke up not feeling the best and just couldn’t sleep so I went and got some ice cream (because that cures everything in my world) and turned on a movie.
I fell asleep pretty quick after that but at around 2 in the morning I woke up for my nightly bathroom run and just felt sick. I have always had a really sensitive stomach and get really bad stomach aches. I tired laying in bed but I couldn’t get comfy. My stomach just felt upset, I got to a point that I woke josh up and just told him I thought I had food poisoning or something. I didn’t want to be one of those people that cried wolf about going into labor so, needless to say, I was in complete dinial! I went back and forth for about an hr before calling my doula. It’s funny looking back now because I was on the phone crying, telling her my stomach hurt and I felt so much pressure but it wasn’t timeable and I felt so bad for waking her up for what could be nothing! We came up with a plan to take a bath, light some candles have a glass of wine and head back to bed to get some rest . Once I got into the bath, I told josh he could go back to bed. I lit candles, turned on some worship music, started praying and was just trying to help my mind and body relax.
2/5 About 10min later josh came back in because apparently it didn’t sound like I was going back to bed.
i was crying because if I was in labor, I couldn’t believe how early she was coming! I remember hearing birth stories about people’s mindsets stalling labor so as I was in the bath with josh holding my hands kneeled next to me, I started just releasing all my expectations. I wanted her to be born on December 1st, I wanted to wear this cute dress I had picked out for thanksgiving (seems silly but it’s true haha) and I didn’t want her to be born on the 20th since that was my brothers bday, I wanted a birth video etc.
from then on I started to kinda get an idea of when a contraction was starting and ending even though the whole time it felt like one giant wave with little shock waves in between.
We called my doula back and told her she should probably head over since I needed some tools to help me cope. We also called our midwives and let them know I could be in labor and we called Cassidy so she could be prepared to film when we went to the birth center! I was in the tub for about an hr and decided to get out and go to the bathroom, once I was out of the tub I felt this intense pressure so much more. I had 2contractions on the toilet and seriously felt like I wanted to die, my whole body was shaking uncontrollably and it felt like I was splitting in half. I quickly got up andJosh held me as we rocked through some contractions together which was amazing.
3/5 I threw up a few times. looking back now, I realize I was in transition, I just couldn’t believe it since this all happened within an hr and a half! the tub was the only place I felt in control and got some relief, so I got back into our tub. as I got back in my doula arrived. I remember hearing her, the midwives and josh talking and saying it sounded like I had a few more hrs before we could head to the birth center. When I heard that, I just remember thinking, if I’m not that far along, I didn’t know how I was going to get through what could be a whole day of labor or get out of the tub to go to the birth center for that matter.
My doula kneeled next to the tub and helped me breath though a few contractions. I felt pushy and told her I couldn’t control my body, it was just pushing…as My body pushed, I pictured a balloon and could feel my cervix opening. I pushed twice and I felt a pop! My water broke and Saylors head was born! We were all completely shocked! Poor josh started crying seeing his daughter start to come out, all while on the phone with the midwives and he called 911 just to be safe. I just remember yelling at him to start filming since we lead cass to believe I wasn’t that far along haha
I remember the sense of feeling completely out of my body and out of control but at the same time feeling empowered and in control of how I handled my contractions
On November 19 At 6:08 after only 3hrs of active labor, I had another contraction pushed and her body came out. I picked her up, put her on my chest and started rubbing her and she stared crying! I was shaking so bad and just kept saying “oh my gosh, oh my gosh, did that just happen!”
4/5 We got out of the bathtub and I walked into our bedroom.There was a moment where it was just me and Saylor sitting in bed before the paramedics showed up, and I just couldn’t stop staring at her, I couldn’t believe she was mine. The paramedics arrived and I laugh now because there were 5 big hunky men just staring at me with Saylor on my chest.
they left because everything looked fine and we were going to head to our birth center to get checked out and make sure everything was good!
Before we left, my doula helped me birth the placenta into a trash bag I know it’s super crunchy but I really wanted to get my placenta incapsulated for all the benefits! I put a robe on and walked to the car with Saylor in one arm and my placenta in a trash bag in the other. I’m so happy it was early enough, none of my neighbors were out because they would have been so terrified and confused haha
We were on the road in rush hr traffic heading to the birth center. Me, josh and our doula were so in shock and running on so many emotions that we missed our turn a few times, but we got there! Once we got to the birth center, Josh got to cut the umbilical cord and they weighed her, made us a smoothie, and stitched me up since I had a second degree tear. We sat there for a while just the three of us. We were on an emotional high. While we cuddled our girl we also FaceTimed our families and some of our friends. I wish there was a way we could have recorded it because the looks on their faces when Saylors little face came on FaceTime, was perfect haha every single one of them were compleatly shocked and so were we! Especially since we talked the night before and I didn’t feel a thing and since She came 10days early! My doula was amazing and went to our house to clean up before we got home since we ran out of the house fast and it looked like a horror movie in our bathroom…and our room…and our hallway haha We got home at 10am sat on the couch and just kept hugging her and smelling her, there is nothing better than that baby smell.
5/5 I didn’t get the birth video I was dreaming about for so long since everything happened so fast but I do have an iPhone video that I love watching for memories and I love showing close friends and family. This pic is a little screen grab from it.
I’ve never been afraid of birth and have always thought it was beautiful. All of my friends will tell you, I always say if I didn’t do photography I would probably be a Midwive or doula because it’s incredible what a woman’s body is capable of and it’s a passion of mine to make woman feel empowered through birth.
I get sad that things didn’t quite go as planned. I know we are healthy and it’s an awesome story to tell but I think it is also ok to grieve expectations you had. On the other hand all I ever wanted was home births so it was perfect and I feel like it happened that way for a reason Birth Is unpredictable and never goes how you think. Its an experience you carry with you your entire life. In the fourth trimester, there have been a lot of hard things but I pull on the strength that I had in that moment of her being born and I know that I will continue to the rest of my life. No matter if you had an
Accidental home birth, planned hospital birth, natural birth center birth, epidural, no epidural, c-section.
Your body grew and sustained a human heart, brain, eyeballs…that in itself is pretty freaking amazing!!! No one should ever feel ashamed of their story, the story that birthed them. No matter yours and your baby’s birth story, or post Pardam journey, you are the best mommmy for your baby